The quest begins . . .

in search of happiness. Something we all long for and “find” in different ways. Sometimes we have it, sometimes . . . not. What I’m going for here is an overall sense of happiness not based in circumstance. Some people are born with that particular gift. I was not! I was born a melancholy baby and have had to consciously work at anything else. I will map my quest here realizing it may take a very long time. That said, I am determined to bring it about.

 

Learning to trust . . .

. . .  that I won’t be hit, that a fist won’t catch me for no reason.

. . . that I won’t be thrown out the door onto the ground because someone

is tired of my love.

. . . that I won’t be spit on and threatened.

. . . that it’s OK to say what I feel, what I think.

. . . that my love is valuable.

. . . that I won’t be abandoned.

I am learning that it is OK to be me. I am learning who I am with someone, exploring all we can be together. I have never had that opportunity before. I realize I have never been loved before.

When I look at Duke, I see love in his eyes, in his bended knee before me on the couch, in his caress, in his arms wrapped around me. In his words. In his trust for me that he too is learning. In his longing to please me by his actions. No man has ever shown me  desire for me in the way that he does by communicating with me the things that aren’t easy to communicate. He isn’t afraid of tenderness or intimacy in thought or word. He is the true measure of a man. Not perfect, but right for me, for us . . .

Learning to trust . . love.

Happy Today

Today I have been well loved. Held. Cherished.

Today I am loved. Today I am happy.

Loved and loving . . . happiness. Not so easy to find.

I’ve been searching for happiness for a long time now. Happiness and love were right next door. Who knew?

All is well with the world in his arms. My heart sings and the colors are vibrant again in my head.

Looking into his eyes, I have found the missing part of me. We were born of the same spirit.I am whole again. The “me” I was meant to be.

Duke, I am blessed to have found you. I am a better person with you. I love you.

Bullshit

LOL! I know, but… letting it go…all the bullshit,I couldn’t have done anything better to improve my outlook. I’ve always been happiest thinking outside the box. I wasn’t made to conform. I don’t think any of us were but the majority get stuck in the bullshit of life. Some forever. How  sad.

Simplifying… wow… it works! Talk about freeing you! Cutting toxic people out, throwing “things” out, both material and immaterial… a whole new level here. Each time I reach deeper and come up higher…

Never, never do what’s “right” unless it is for you.

I’ve been bleeding heart crystals, sledge hammer smashed. No more. Done with the bullshit.

Love, happiness and music…

My heart is once again singing. I am safe from losing my mind, dying. I never want to be that close again. Happiness showed up in the yard next door. Thankful for tall grass and laughing eyes.

Music is constantly in my heart now, lyrics winding their way around my heart and mind. The octopus tentacles of pain slowly letting go.

Happiness from life, in my heart, without medication…have I arrived. Is the quest completed?

A Hitchhikers Weathered Hands

With a slow and steady pace, he walked up the rain slicked road carrying a duffel bag and back pack. He wore a Vietnam Veterans cap. I have a soft spot for vets. Dirt lined the creases in his old-mans face. Without conscious thought but operating on instinct, I pulled over. He jog-walked up to me and,  gap-toothed, asked if he could put his things in back.

Sitting beside me, his hands reminded me of my father’s. Work-worn. Old. Lined.

His  hands had dirt in the creases and around and under the nails. He introduced himself with a soft voice. I introduced myself and shook his hand. He settled in with the smell of rain, old dirt and the road. He smelled just fine to me.

He was hitch-hiking because he hasn’t been able to use his arms to drive for the last 6 years due to some type of calcification’s. The VA won’t operate. He makes his “living” selling USA flags “this time of year” in Pennsylvania.

He talked so low it was hard to catch every word with the sound of the rain and windshield wipers in the background. I listened to his story.

I took him to a McDonald’s at the intersection he needed and bought him a meal – his requests were off the dollar menu plus “a senior coffee”. I had to add 2 pies for a dollar telling him “they travel well”. He accepted the offer of pies with a tip of the head.

We wished each other well and I gave him a hug. I wonder when he was last hugged.

A piece of my heart went with him. I hope we meet in heaven.

Happiness is…

only real when shared with someone.

From the movie Into The Wild, directed by Sean Penn. Excellent.

So this brings to mind that this is a truth; so does that also mean that nothing is real unless shared? If you don’t hear the tree fall, did it? Are you merely head-tripping when you’re alone and happy? Or sad? Or fearful? If you are happy, sad, fearful when with someone, does that fact alone (being with them) make it so? Or is it more tripping?

Happiness is multiplied when shared. Does it divide into tiny little fragments when not? Do little pieces of it dance away in the breeze?

I hope it was a happy dance.

Things I am happy about this minute;

• I have a good job.
• I got paid today!
• The wind is blowing and whispering through the eves.
• It’s more like spring than winter out.
• My circle of friends is growing.
• My sister and I have a new and better relationship.
• My house is being repainted and repaired.
• I am purging “stuff”.
• Just thinking about Maria makes me smile.
• William and Ben are awesome young men.
• There IS good in this world.
• I’m older by the day and no longer miss my “youth”.
• I am working on an idea for a book and am pleased I’ve gotten this far, I believe it will happen.
• Flowers are going to bloom soon.
• The jeep runs great and needs no repairs.
• I’m finally getting the hang of Facebook.
• I love to blog.
• My mom is doing great and is living a full life.
• I no longer feel obligated to toxic people.
• I no longer feel guilt, life is about learning.
• I have connected with family I’ve never met through the internet.
• My cat loves me.
• Nursing is interesting again.
• Heaven is closer with each breath I take.

FYI; Rants vs. Quest

Of interest to me and maybe to you as well; the rant page is getting more hits than anything. What are your thoughts on this? Is this because it’s unexpected? People feed on anger? Venting? Is it like looking at a wreck? Is ranting of more interest than “happy” issues because you identify with it more? Are appalled? You don’t believe in the search for happiness?

I am REALLY interested in your response and/or thoughts on this. Does it tell us something about society as a whole?

Friendship

Making and keeping friends has always been difficult for me. I was made fun of a lot as a child. Other children called me names and made fun of my walk (I’m pigeon-toed), and my lower lip (which is full) calling it a “n—– lip”. Perhaps that is why I’ve never been prejudiced although I was born in 1960 and segregation was still an issue.

In 5th grade I befriended the only black girl in my class when busing came about. On the last day of school, in assembly, she spit on me. She then spoke quietly under her breath “if I didn’t do it my friends wouldn’t play with me this summer.” Bless her heart. I understood but lost a friend.

I lost many  when I changed schools or the family moved, as we often did. I didn’t have a “home town” or grow up with the same friends all my life as so many get to. I am pleased that Maria gets to have what I did not.

I lost many through job changes. I have one from a long-held job that I see rarely but I still consider her a good friend and I love her dearly. (Hi Kim!). She was there for me through many life changes and she held my father’s hand to give him comfort and rest when he lay in the hospital dying. I will always cherish that memory. Kim is a blessing.

I made a friend through the same job who made me get out of the house when I was depressed, kept my family afloat when I had difficulty finding a job. (Hi Margaret!). We have been down some rocky roads in our life and our friendship but we’re still there and are still close. We have both grown and matured in our lives and our friendship. She’s a keeper.

Kim and Margaret are my only long-term friends that stuck. I am thankful for and love both. After 40+ years of living you’d think I’d have more friends wouldn’t you? Well, remember I said making friends is difficult for me. But something is happening folks. I’m getting new friends and believe they’ll stick! This is an awesome thing and yes, I’m happy about it! How can one be truly happy without a social network? The love and trust of another human being?

Through Margaret I met a dear lady from Australia when she came stateside for a visit. (Hi Ann!). We have a love for Margaret in common, and the love you have for others as you mature. Ann also met and loves my daughter who in turn loves her back! Ain’t love grand!

I began a new job in December and because of that have met some amazing people. One of these is a dear, sweet lady with a soulful look and smile. (Hi Tasha!). We connected through nursing and being single mom’s of teenage girls! We are going to lunch today and plan to stay connected. I look forward to this new friendship and all it offers for the both of us.

I have always made friends with men easily but the lines of friendship and you-know get blurred. It’s difficult being a single woman and maintaining a friendship with a male, either single or married. Sometimes on the part of one, sometimes on the part of both.

Lastly, I count among my friends my mother who is always there for me in many ways. Especially holding me and loving me when I didn’t understand the world. My sons, William and Ben who have grown in marvelous ways and offer me love, friendship, support and advice. My daughter Maria who offers the same and also holds me when life gets too tangled for me. My family and I, we have each others back.

I am happy. I am making new friends.

Dreamland

This is about night dreams as opposed to life-dreams.

I do not know if your night dreams are as vivid as mine but I really have a life at night! Sometimes the dreams tell me something I need to know to further my growth (several dreams had me screaming for my sister, at first I thought she was in trouble then I realized they meant I needed her to help me; Maria often had to wake me from these dreams). Sometimes they give me something I don’t have in “real” life and these dreams are a gift.

If the jury is still out on deciding my sanity this may decide it for them, but I have chosen to view these as a gift from you-know-who to bring me pleasure and love. I have dreams of being loved, not in a physical sense, but truly loved for who I am, that someone  gets me. How awesome! This isn’t saying I’m not loved, I am by my family. This is about love from a man. Significant other. Husband. I don’t have this in my life and have desired it for a long time. Oh, I’ve learned to live without it, the love of a man. But, is that living? Is that . . . it. . . when I truly desire and believe in marriage? And so, I believe I’m given these dreams to feel that connection, that love reserved for only me.

To whomever orchestrates these, I say “thank you” and “I love you too.”