The quest begins . . .

in search of happiness. Something we all long for and “find” in different ways. Sometimes we have it, sometimes . . . not. What I’m going for here is an overall sense of happiness not based in circumstance. Some people are born with that particular gift. I was not! I was born a melancholy baby and have had to consciously work at anything else. I will map my quest here realizing it may take a very long time. That said, I am determined to bring it about.

I realized the very day after I decided on this particular quest that things would not go easily for me. Work was extremely difficult that day and anything that could go wrong that day, did. I had to laugh at my audacity in thinking this was doable. Were I still indoctrinated in church I would say that satan heard me and laughed.

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Happy Today

Today I have been well loved. Held. Cherished.

Today I am loved. Today I am happy.

Loved and loving . . . happiness. Not so easy to find.

I’ve been searching for happiness for a long time now. Happiness and love were right next door. Who knew?

All is well with the world in his arms. My heart sings and the colors are vibrant again in my head.

Looking into his eyes, I have found the missing part of me. We were born of the same spirit.I am whole again. The “me” I was meant to be.

Duke, I am blessed to have found you. I am a better person with you. I love you.

Narrow – mindedness…

comes in many forms. I worked with someone last night who is SO judgmental,  she’s “christian” but doesn’t go to church. Very judgmental… I wonder how people can be that way in this day and time. I’m still shaking my head. Living in this town all your life is no excuse. You have a mind, use it.

Her son’s girlfriend has a piercing in a private place. She believes she’s a tramp (but her son is fucking her),” she’s only 18, where are her parents?” Ummm…. she’s 18??!! Have YOU ever tried to stop a teenager from doing anything they really wanted to do?? Come on, really? We (the more progressive ones) tried to explain to her that a piercing could  come out, she’s young, no one knew until her son told everyone. One act does not a person make. This does not define the girls character. She didn’t get it, nor does she get the verse about not judging. “I wasn’t raised that way.” No excuse, this narrow-minded woman is younger than me.

She also dissed gays. Now come on…. when did we stop becoming human and in turn become judges? Do you REALLY want to be judged that harshly  when that day comes?

Tattoos came next. My brain was ready to explode. I’m seeing this woman in an ever smaller circle of black. How can she breathe? She wasn’t able to argue any point, always going back to “I wasn’t raised that way.” Yea, and? So?

Makes me hope God has some awesome piercings and tattoos. Oh yeah, he also needs to be multi-racial, multi-cultural, male and female (btw, he is).

Grace, mercy, forgiveness…

Tolerance, empathy…

The world is bigger than you.

Ain’t fucking choking on”church” anymore… life’s too short for bullshit.

Bullshit

LOL! I know, but… letting it go…all the bullshit,I couldn’t have done anything better to improve my outlook. I’ve always been happiest thinking outside the box. I wasn’t made to conform. I don’t think any of us were but the majority get stuck in the bullshit of life. Some forever. How  sad.

Simplifying… wow… it works! Talk about freeing you! Cutting toxic people out, throwing “things” out, both material and immaterial… a whole new level here. Each time I reach deeper and come up higher…

Never, never do what’s “right” unless it is for you.

I’ve been bleeding heart crystals, sledge hammer smashed. No more. Done with the bullshit.

Love, happiness and music…

My heart is once again singing. I am safe from losing my mind, dying. I never want to be that close again. Happiness showed up in the yard next door. Thankful for tall grass and laughing eyes.

Music is constantly in my heart now, lyrics winding their way around my heart and mind. The octopus tentacles of pain slowly letting go.

Happiness from life, in my heart, without medication…have I arrived. Is the quest completed?

Tears of Blood

I tear my skin

ripping it from my arms

not feeling skin pain

but deep deep heart pain

crying tears of blood

and drowning.

Death by inches. . .

Old fingers letting loose their grip

on the water of memory

watching each drop hit the earth

soon to be a flood.

A Hitchhikers Weathered Hands

With a slow and steady pace, he walked up the rain slicked road carrying a duffel bag and back pack. He wore a Vietnam Veterans cap. I have a soft spot for vets. Dirt lined the creases in his old-mans face. Without conscious thought but operating on instinct, I pulled over. He jog-walked up to me and,  gap-toothed, asked if he could put his things in back.

Sitting beside me, his hands reminded me of my father’s. Work-worn. Old. Lined.

His  hands had dirt in the creases and around and under the nails. He introduced himself with a soft voice. I introduced myself and shook his hand. He settled in with the smell of rain, old dirt and the road. He smelled just fine to me.

He was hitch-hiking because he hasn’t been able to use his arms to drive for the last 6 years due to some type of calcification’s. The VA won’t operate. He makes his “living” selling USA flags “this time of year” in Pennsylvania.

He talked so low it was hard to catch every word with the sound of the rain and windshield wipers in the background. I listened to his story.

I took him to a McDonald’s at the intersection he needed and bought him a meal – his requests were off the dollar menu plus “a senior coffee”. I had to add 2 pies for a dollar telling him “they travel well”. He accepted the offer of pies with a tip of the head.

We wished each other well and I gave him a hug. I wonder when he was last hugged.

A piece of my heart went with him. I hope we meet in heaven.

Happiness is…

only real when shared with someone.

From the movie Into The Wild, directed by Sean Penn. Excellent.

So this brings to mind that this is a truth; so does that also mean that nothing is real unless shared? If you don’t hear the tree fall, did it? Are you merely head-tripping when you’re alone and happy? Or sad? Or fearful? If you are happy, sad, fearful when with someone, does that fact alone (being with them) make it so? Or is it more tripping?

Happiness is multiplied when shared. Does it divide into tiny little fragments when not? Do little pieces of it dance away in the breeze?

I hope it was a happy dance.

Things I am happy about this minute;

• I have a good job.
• I got paid today!
• The wind is blowing and whispering through the eves.
• It’s more like spring than winter out.
• My circle of friends is growing.
• My sister and I have a new and better relationship.
• My house is being repainted and repaired.
• I am purging “stuff”.
• Just thinking about Maria makes me smile.
• William and Ben are awesome young men.
• There IS good in this world.
• I’m older by the day and no longer miss my “youth”.
• I am working on an idea for a book and am pleased I’ve gotten this far, I believe it will happen.
• Flowers are going to bloom soon.
• The jeep runs great and needs no repairs.
• I’m finally getting the hang of Facebook.
• I love to blog.
• My mom is doing great and is living a full life.
• I no longer feel obligated to toxic people.
• I no longer feel guilt, life is about learning.
• I have connected with family I’ve never met through the internet.
• My cat loves me.
• Nursing is interesting again.
• Heaven is closer with each breath I take.

FYI; Rants vs. Quest

Of interest to me and maybe to you as well; the rant page is getting more hits than anything. What are your thoughts on this? Is this because it’s unexpected? People feed on anger? Venting? Is it like looking at a wreck? Is ranting of more interest than “happy” issues because you identify with it more? Are appalled? You don’t believe in the search for happiness?

I am REALLY interested in your response and/or thoughts on this. Does it tell us something about society as a whole?